Sunday night I told myself it was finally time to end our relationship. We had started out strong, but over the past couple of years our difficulties were coming to a forefront. She...consuming much of my free time, money, and energy- distracting me from my goals, responsibilities, and friendships. I...in silent disgust; listened intently to her every word, contributing nothing to the relationship.
Yesterday morning I called her up to do what so obviously needed to be done. As she began to speak, a small tear welled up in my eye.
"Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable, this is Shanique, how may I help you?"
My voice cracked as the words came rushing out.
"Yes...I'd like to cancel my cable television service."
I thought that would be it, I tried to keep up a strong front, but Shanique was not going to let me go so easily. My monthly cable bill could be best described as insanity. With two televisions, HBO, DVR, and the HD package, I was shelling out $145 a month to watch the intricate facial deformities of my favorite athletes, solution-less talking heads, with their PhD's in polarization, simple-minded, talentless, "reality" hacks, who complain about how hard it is to get recognition and praise for their tiresome vapidness, and a bevy of shows "Lost" on drawn out storylines with an "Entourage" of homoerotic characters.
By the time I got off the phone with Shanique, not only were we still tied together, I suddenly had an appointment for next Thursday to install an internet phone line, along with a free trial for Showtime. Somehow, when I heard that just having internet was going to cost $59.99 a month and for only $40 more I would have the phone, cable, Showtime, etc., the priority of optimizing my life suddenly jumped out the window in favor of a couple free weeks of The Weeds. In the moment, it all seemed to make sense.
That was until several hours later, when I saw the headline on the Drudgereport.com, "shooting at Virginia Tech University, at least 29 dead."
You would think that after reading such a headline, one would begin to feel a sense of grief, sadness, and concern for the well-being of the friends and families of the victims (and students), while simultaneously feeling fortunate that one's life was not directly affected by the tragic events.
But no, not in my head. What did I do? I looked for coverage on the television, and went to Rosie.com (Rosie O'Donnell's blog) to see if she had posted any comments about the recent events. Why was Rosie a priority? Honestly, I have no fuckin idea. All I know is for the past couple years, I often listen to four chickens cluck away for twenty-five minutes about their "View" on EVERYTHING! Through all of this, I somehow ingrained the knowledge that "Rosie's spiral of depression" began after the Columbine shootings in 1999. Well I thought to myself, if murdering 12 people in cold blood could put her in a state...what will 29 do!
Truth be told...I actually like the lady. I had the opportunity to be her waiter several times many years ago. Financially, I have never met anyone more generous ($150 dinner gets you $150 tip). Though servers with vaginas tended to do even better with her, she has never done wrong by me, and when I watch her on television, I see a woman who "believes" she has the best interest in her heart for peace and acceptance of all people. Do I think she reaches sometimes on issues of homophobia? Yes. However, if I had a podium like hers, I'd be yelling about all the woman I have dated who complain about how hard it is to get recognition and praise for their tiresome vapidness. So much so, that I sometimes wish I was gay!
So since Rosie had not yet responded, I tuned into CNN to get some particulars regarding this madness. Sure enough, their attempt at coverage was about as chaotic as the information being relayed to the students on campus during the shootings. The end point for me was when the anchor (through a phone interview) asked a student on campus, "How are you feeling?"
I crossed my fingers and prayed that the student would respond...
Hmmm, that's a tough question. I am doing wonderful; I'm currently jumping rope down the hall and getting ready for a keg party at my frat house. This has been one of the best days of my life. Thanks for asking.
How are you feeling??? Is that news? How do you think he's feeling? He's scared, sad, frustrated, angry, hurt, etc., etc. Why do we need to hear this? Does this boy's opinion encapsulate the feelings for everyone on campus? I don't know about you, but I just didn't care (because it doesn't need to be said).
And for that matter, I really don't care about thoughts or opinions of any LCD screen icons anymore. I was listening to a talented speaker the other day and was drawn to his simple statement:
"Nobody on television ever put a penny in my pocket or food on my table."
I think my point is...What would Rosie do? Why the fuck should I care!
I called Shanique this morning and told her to put a squash on Time Warner’s plans for my household domination.
"Put me down for $59.99 a month, " I said.
If Rosie wants to tell me how she feels, she can invite me out for dinner.
