Her Profile Picture:
The Money Shot
I appreciate beautiful breasts and a tight butt as much as the next guy, however, nothing says class and sophistication like a girl who chooses a picture of herself bent over or straddling a chair (face optional). When I see these pictures I think to myself, “Damn! Now that’s a girl that wants to be treated with respect. I’m sure my grandparents were introduced under similar circumstances.” Generally I like to know the color of your eyes before I know the color of your dental floss. Just tell me when I can pick you up so I can introduce you to my family and friends.
The Professional Head Shot
This person can be put into two categories:
Model / Diva- The Jessica Simpson Syndrome
Ok, so you see her headshot picture and she's beautiful - what do you do? Run!!! She has probably received 5000 “Hey what’s up…lets chat,” emails over the past week from guys who have swallowed their balls. Your margin of error is practically zero. I’m sure your job doing what you do is fascinating, but you better be prepared to be skinned alive. The Michelin guide will tell you where to take her to eat and the gossip rags will tell you where she likes to party. After a couple months of this pony show, she may allow you to claim to be a suitor. Problem is…your bank account can’t handle the long haul. Once you begin to think, “She’s yours,” you’re done. At this point, you begin to have expectations of her. But why would she have to bend to your expectations when she’s got 5000 other chumps telling her they would drink her bath water just for a chance. Why do for others when there are so many willing to do for you (Nick should have let Joe Simpson drink the bathwater two seasons earlier).
Actress- The Jennifer Garner Syndrome
Story Time…In 1998, while starring on a painfully unwatchable show called Felicity, “it actor of the time” Scott Foley met a struggling actress named Jennifer Garner – who he quickly fell in love with and married in 2000. After the show was euthanized in 2002, Jennifer had the movie Daredevil lined up and Alias on the way, while Scott was busy making balloon animals at children’s birthday parties. So Jennifer drops him for “it actor of the time” Michael Vartan, who serves his purpose up until her Daredevil co-star and “it celebrity at the time” Ben Affleck gets smart, and drops his diva to be with the girl next door, thereby creating the super-couple known as Bennifer II.
So how does this relate to you? Good news is that most likely she won’t make it as an actress and will simply resent you for not understanding her and holding her back in pursuit of her dreams. However, if her star starts to rise, she’ll drop your ass quicker than you can say, “Bitch, I supported you while you starred in Dude Where’s My Car!!!”
In either case, I have provided this simple proof for you to follow:
Head Shot = Model or Actress = Attention Whore = Nuts & Unstable
The Cute Picture of You as a Baby or Youngster
Awwwwwe…you’re soooooo cute. But unfortunately you’re not my type. However, I’m sure you could find some guys here who would be interested in getting to know you.
The Over-the-Shoulder-Over-the-Back-Shot
This is not a game of H.O.R.S.E.; it’s a profile photo. If you have a double chin, we’re going to find out about it as soon as we see you.
Picture of You on the Bed in Your Underwear
Attention…Victoria Secret is not searching Myspace for new talent, but I’m sure with some quality exposure you could make FHM’s list of insignificant college whores of the 21st century. Oh wait, sorry, FHM closed up shop…you were sooooooo close!!!
New Formula: Model Headshot + Lack of Talent + Infinite Insecurity = You
Page Layout:
The Butterfly Effect
Remember Baz Luhrmann’s spoken word, “Everyone’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)?” Well here is mine…
Gentlemen
Never…I mean NEVER…date a girl who has a butterfly tattoo.
If I could offer you one tip for the future, staying away from butterflies would be it.
Scientists have proved the long-term harm these girls have on stable men, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
Yes, I know, she is often sexy, creative, intense and interesting, but allow my to go a little psychological on you. A butterfly is an insect noted for their unusual life cycle beginning with a caterpillar stage (ugly child), an inactive pupal stage (puberty), and a metamorphosis into a colorful winged adult (breast implants, denying their past) (Case Study: See Mariah Carey). To reference another winged friend, these ladies are bat-shit crazy! They are generally very pretty but just want to spread their wings and fly away. You don’t “understand” them and you never will. No one will…remember, they are unique…a free spirit…an army of one…hence the generic butterfly tattoo.
- Addendum: If you find anything with wings on her body, posted on her bedroom walls, or in her childhood sticker book - proceed with caution!!! There is no greater red flag than this. You’ll thank me for it. If she likes shit that flies…fly the other way.
- Case Study II: Angelina Jolie
- Dragon Tattoo on arm = Crazy, Sexy, Blood Wearing, Bisexual Nymph.
- Dragon Tattoo removed = UN ambassador - mother of three.
Her Top Eight:
If her top eight reads like Will Hunting’s recital of his brothers to Skylar, than you my friend have found Ms. “Girls just don’t like me.” What she fails to tell you is, the reason girls don’t like her is because she pretty much slept with every one of their ex-boyfriends. She’ll tell you that those guys are “just friends” or “an ex who is still a good friend,” but basically they are simply “glass dicks” (Break in case of emergency).
I’ll put money down that she has already slept with 7 out of the 8 profiles. If you are the one exception, sorry dude, you’re in the “friend zone” – kill yourself now. She is fun, cool, and somewhat drama free (almost like one of the guys). She’ll look you straight in the eye and maintain the idea that they “really are her friends” and have no interest in sleeping with her (Translation: she does not want to sleep with them right now). However, wait until you get into a couple arguments and see if those phone calls and text messages from all her “friends” don’t start getting to you. Even the most confident guy will start to crack, because as all guys know, when a girl who has a “good friend” starts calling him to discuss her relationship problems, the guy's first thought is often, “Man, I really want her relationship to work out so she can be happy.” (Well it’s usually my first thought after the blowjob).
Her Interests:
Here are some key words or phrases to stay away from:
Shopping – You mean for groceries and stuff?
Sleeping – Because shopping is hard work right?
Hanging with my friends – Really? I hate hanging with my friends.
Vacations – Finally, someone who likes vacations!
Walks on the beach – Ummm...it’s December and it’s 35 degrees outside.
Having fun – Wow, that’s deep.
My girls – Alert! Alert! Lets stop right here. This is usually the girl who writes, “My family and friends mean the world to me.” Translation: You better prepare yourself to spend a lot of time at my parents for the holidays as well as weekends out with “the girls.” You know your family and group of friends…well take a picture because you won’t be seeing them for a while. She’s telling you right upfront, I’m not going anywhere but if you want to come over and watch TV with “my girls” we can hang.
And my all-time favorite…
I’m Down to Earth… Honestly, does anyone know what the fuck this means??? My best guess is that in between designing your new butterfly tattoo, watching Sex and the City, and discussing with “your girls” which ass shot looks best, a thought comes through your brain that proclaims, “my daddy thinks I’m perfect, what boy wouldn’t want to go shopping with me?”
I don’t know about you, but maybe down to earth isn’t the way to go… I’m searching elsewhere.
