Monday Morning Collection Plate

Well folks, it seems God decided to take the time out of his busy schedule to yet again show us his greatness in an ever so mysterious way. You see, with all of our current global issues firmly stabilized, God figured the best way he could collectively reach us would be through the results of a sporting event.

If you did not get an opportunity to watch the post game festivities last night, you might not be aware that God gave the Indianapolis Colts Superbowl XLI. Sorry Chicago, Indianapolis just has an organization that works to promote the lord more than you do. With this overwhelming exhibition of spirituality on television, I began to connect with the Holy Spirit. At this point I was like, "Yo Jesus, why did you give the Superbowl to the Colts over the Bears?" And he was like..."let me break it down for you son."

(And I'm paraphrasing)
There are 3 reasons why the Colts won the Superbowl...

• I had full player support. As you know, there are 53 players per side; Chicago had only 52 Christians compared to the Colts who had the full 53. (When I asked Jesus to tell me the one guy who wasn't, he looked over at his Jewish lawyer (God) and declined to comment. However, I think it's pretty clear Tank Johnson isn't playing for the lord. After all, no one who has ever been arrested could possibly be playing for Jesus. Forget Grossman's two huge interceptions in the 4th quarter, his two muffed snaps, and the Bears inability to stop the run...It’s all Tank’s fault and he needs to be reborn.)

• The Colts owner, Jim Irsay has had my back for years. Did you hear his shout out to me when he got the Vince Lombardi Trophy? The Colts are organization that works for the lord. You can't beat that kind of pub. Sure Jim is a fan of rock and roll music- purchasing an original guitar owned by Elvis (who was my archenemy during the 20th century)- but the Bears are partially owned by the Aon Corp. I mean they're insurance brokers, and we all know that there is no need for insurance because my will is my will.

• Tony Dungy doesn't curse. This was a tough one because Lovie Smith was also one of my biggest boosters. However, Lovie has been known to say a cuss word or two. I just couldn't overlook that. There are some things that even Jesus can't forgive.

So, there you have it, with these facts laid out, I'm amazed how God allowed the Bears to play, let alone score a couple points. Furthermore, I was advised that athletic ability, execution of the game plan, experience, hard work, intelligence, research, desire, determination, practice, weather, and a million other variables were slanderous words created by so-called intellectuals to make people doubt God's all-explaining power.

So may you all sleep well tonight knowing that God has a vested interest in crowning each year’s athletic champions. As we all know, God has never shown an inferiority complex in any scripture and would love nothing more than for you to idolize these individuals for their overwhelming contributions to society.

P.S. I would like to thank the Lord for the strength and wisdom to write this blog. Oh...and for taking the time to chat with me last night…In the immortal words of Kurt Warner…THANK YOU JESUS!!!