Nick Saban Dumps His Girlfriend For The Town Slut.

So you’ve been in a solid relationship (Miami) for a couple years now, but recently things seem rather mediocre (15-17 record). You met her with rose-colored glasses; dumping the prom queen (LSU) after you de-flowered her at the dance (1st national championship). Initially, your current girlfriend seemed to be everything the prom queen wasn’t. She was smart, professional, and full of potential. She would be the challenge you needed.

So you pack your bags and dive into this new relationship, co-signing a lease that has both your names on it (5 year, $22.5 million). She’s takes this lease as a sign of long term commitment, and starts talking about things like “I want these flowers at our wedding” (Playoffs) and “I want at least 5 kids” (Superbowl).

After hearing this a couple times, you start to think about the good old days when you were the big man on campus, dating the girl everyone wanted. It felt good. Just so happens, your girlfriend’s father (Don Shula) has a son (Mike Shula) who was dating the hottest girl in town (Alabama). However, she recently dumped him because he couldn’t satisfy her (6-6) and is going around telling everyone that her ex’s-sister’s-boyfriend is hung like a horse (48-16 at LSU).

Unfortunately, your girlfriend’s family (Miami fans) are also hearing these rumors spread around town and they (the press) ask you about your future intentions. While being put on the spot, you assure everybody that you are committed to your current relationship and you’re not thinking about anything else. But it doesn’t stop there; everyday someone is asking you if you’re interested in the other girl while telling you stories about what a freak she is ($$$$).

You try to ignore everyone and focus on your relationship, but your girlfriend suddenly seems cold and distant (no QB, no playoffs, aging team). Next thing you know, the phone ringing, and sure enough, it’s the other girl. She going out tonight and wanted to know if you wanted to meet up “to talk” (interview). You tell yourself that you are just going to talk, telling your girlfriend you’re going out for a bit (Wayne Huizenga). However, just before you leave, you put some Viagra in your pocket (the out-clause on your lease).

As you travel to meet this stranger, you brain works overtime weighing the pro’s and con’s of your relationship, that is, up until you walk in the door of the club and see the other girl dancing. You approach her on the dance floor where she immediately grabs your hand and sticks it between her legs (8 year!!!). At this point you realize she isn’t wearing any underwear ($32 million!!!) and you proceed to screw her right there from behind (guaranteed money!!!).

The next day, you go home and tell your girlfriend you are leaving her for another woman (Meeting w/ management). When she asks you why she wasn’t enough for you, you give her no answer (Press Conference).

The new girl will be fun and exciting for a while, however, you are soon to find out you knocked up the town slut (revolving door of coaches), who gave you a massive case of herpes (You’re tainted goods).

Hope she was worth it...